Our Little Creeper

When I got married, I didn’t just gain a husband, best friend and confidant, I also gained a son. My husbands little one – now my little one too, has crept into my heart like only a little boy can.

The first time I met him, I loved him. Merely because he is a part of Zayn – who I clearly love to bits. The more time I spent with him, the more attached I became and vice versa. It’s become a thing where he actually asks for me specifically and it really warms my heart.

But recently, its been a whirlwind of feelings. I would never force or even just mention to him that he should call me Mom, Mommy or the like but I have begun to feel like that’s how he sees me now; as a mother figure. One night after I bathed him, I was drying his hair on the bed and all of a sudden he launches himself at me, straight into my lap and lands a big kiss on my cheek. It was adorable but it caught me totally off guard. I told my husband about it later that night. Told him about how it made me feel. When Abdul Aziz shows me affection like that, I am proud of myself for the way I have handled things and my heart is rushed with emotion. It could so easily have gone a different way. I know of cases where the child resents their father’s wife but I think that usually stems from the mother’s negativity and I am lucky that throughout all our drama, his mother has been mostly okay and encourages him to have respect toward me. Maybe we’re also lucky that he’s so young and can basically grow up with me being a part of his life.

He started school a few months ago and if it was terrifying for me, I can’t imagine what his mother felt like. We joined her at the school for his first day and he looked absolutely confused and unsure but his teacher has assured us that he is doing well. I love the fact that she chose a Muslim school for him because I think that it’s so important for him to have that Islamic foundation. His teacher is wonderful and her love for “her kids”, is evident.

His most recent adorable moment would be when we took him home last weekend, he gave me the biggest hug and kiss ever and then said “I love you” in his sweet little boy voice. Once again I was caught completely off guard but of course I responded, of course I love him too.

I have always wanted to be a mother, really. And I am excited to have biological children of my own but I feel blessed and content being a mom to this little one.

Although we haven’t quite sorted out ALL the kinks with his mother, I am grateful to ALLAH for blessing me with this little man and my wonderful husband who has been the most awesome support for all that I have had to acclimate myself with.


An Open Letter to an Angel in Heaven

Dear Nina,

Today would have been your birthday. You would have been 35 years old and yet your life was cut short at barely 30.

The memory of you stays fresh in my mind. I will never forget your beautiful soul. The fact that on the day of your janaazah ( funeral), I met some people who told me that they knew you because – even though you didn’t always have for yourself – you always helped them and their families, warmed my heart and reminded me of the kind of person you were. I wish more people were lucky enough to have been in your atmosphere. To have been touched by your pure heart. I keep telling my husband that I wish he could have met you, I know he would have loved you to bits and yet I’m also glad he didn’t have to experience losing you. Because believe me, nothing I have ever experienced in my time on this earth can ever compare to losing someone you love – especially someone like you.

My biggest struggle is watching your kids grow up. Shane has been living with us and he has grown into this big, strong-willed young man. He’ll be 18-years old soon and who knows what he’ll decide… my biggest fear is that he won’t want to stay with us any longer and I can’t imagine what that would be like. Besides the fact that I feel responsible for him, I also feel like he’s my connection to you. He reminds me so much of you. And then Junaid. What a little genius! After every term he comes to us to tell us of his many A’s and how easy it was. And not so little Aaliyah. Goodness, that girl is such a madam. Her sassy demeanor and mannerisms…Jeez it’s like you’ve left us a little memento in her. Your children are a perfect reflection of you, each of them have a little bit of “Nina” in them. I know for sure you’re looking down on them and your heart is swelling with pride.


I never thought I would experience something like this but this is how it went:



You and your little family lived quite far from all of us and you guys never had a car so the only time we ever saw you was when my mom would pick you guys up or you randomly came through to make Ma and Pa food for the week. So I went through a phase where I had convinced myself that you were still with us, just at home where you always seemed to be. It was so easy to believe because we used to go weeks without seeing you.


Honestly, at first I was a bit pissed at you for leaving. As a rational thinker, I knew it wasn’t your fault nor your choice but as a grieving teenager, I couldn’t help but feel a little bit of resentment. However, I did not once question God’s decision for you as I know that He knows best.


I don’t think I really did much of this as I knew that regardless of how I felt about it, this was God’s will and I accepted that.


A few months down the line I was randomly thinking about you and all of a sudden, my little facade shattered and it felt as though the pain was suffocating me. You were gone and there was nothing I could do about it.


One day I started looking for pictures of you and I together. I asked all your sisters and they rifled through their albums and no one could find anything. All my cousins have pictures of you with them. I cried about that because I just needed that connection but then I realised that out of all of them, I spent the most time with you when you were sick. I remember coming home from school everyday and coming to sit in your room with you. We’d talk about anything and everything and I will ALWAYS keep that memory with me.

I think the best way to overcome the grief is to deal with your feelings. Clearly the mistake I made was keeping it all in. Once I accepted that you were truly gone and the consequences that came with it, it became easier and easier as each day went by.

I will never truly be whole again because you took a piece of me with you when you left us. But instead of crying when I think of you, I’ve learnt to smile. And instead of resenting you for leaving, I’m glad that your pain ended. Every milestone I reach in my life all I wish for is to have you there but I know you’re watching down on us.

You will be in my heart, FOREVER.

#2016InOneWord – Growth

Does anyone else feel as though 2016 just went by so fast? People have used words such as “painful”, “atrocious” and “awful” to describe it but I really don’t think I agree.

I went through so much shit last year with the wedding things and my relationship with my dad being in tatters but I still feel that although it was challenging, I have never experienced such personal growth before.

I went from being a closed-mouthed, soft-spoken person to finding my voice and being able to say what I want out loud and speak it into fruition. I learned that keeping things inside and not finding some sort of release was naive and damaging to my mental and spiritual health. Also, that I don’t need to follow trends and have everything that the people I follow on Insta have. I have my husband, my family and friends and that’s all you really need. I know it sounds ridiculously corny but it’s the truth. I have felt more happiness in this one year than I have ever felt in my entire life. After my father came around and I got married, you will not believe the ease in which we have begun to repair our broken world.


This moment is everything❤

When I see my dad and my husband sitting together, talking, laughing… it makes my heart swell. Zayn has slipped so seamlessly into my family life. Not that I didn’t expect it, he is so easy-going and confident and fits in pretty much everywhere, I just need some time to get used to it. He enjoys spending time with them and although he is still adjusting to the headache that is my Saltriver home (we have so many kids in our family), he always enjoys being there.


Look at em being all cutesie after the nikah

Saturday past, Abdul Aziz joined us for the first time there and got to play with his new aunts and uncles ( sounds weird but apparently that’s what my cousins are to him according to  http://www.famlii.com/what-relation-cousins-child-to-me-second-cousin-once-removed/ )  and jeez, he must have had so much fun because he was out like a light as soon as we got into the car to leave.

There’s yet another thing I’m grateful to 2016 for! Abdul Aziz. He is my husbands son and therefore my son. I come from a family where we totally disregard the step part. I have always treated him as such and will keep it that way always. I don’t expect him to call me mom because I know that it can be a touchy subject but he has crept into my heart and I can’t imagine my life without him in it.


Could he be any more adorable??

My relationship with his mother has somewhat grown too. We are at the point where we feel comfortable talking to each other and we sometimes chat but it’s mostly about Aziz. I don’t think I would ever no wait, I KNOW I would NEVER talk to her about my personal life. I mean I want us to have a good relationship – where Aziz is concerned – but I ain’t looking for a new bestie.

Anyway, here’s a few more wedding pics (I finally got most of em)


Couldn’t keep the tears away – what an ugly crier


Really like this pic (although it’s rather dark), the detail on my dress is so beautiful


Chaste kisses *nudge nudge



That look though, I can’t even with all that handsomeness


No idea what was SO funny right there but I really love this picture



Hate my weird little hands but LOVE my mehndi. Please follow @w.m_henna_tattoo on Instagram. She is absolutely amazing at what she does


My dress is from Fay’s Bridal Boutique. It was the first dress I tried on and it was love at first sight! lol My hijab was styled by a close friend of mine and the husband…well…straight from his amazing mom!


Now this was my favorite part of it all. I wore my old, dirty, white Chuck Taylors. The reason I wore them is that this is the truest reflection of me. A girly girl but deep down, a thug.

Married At Last

Its been so long since the last time I posted anything but lately, things have been so hectic…

I was never the kind of girl who planned her wedding since her hair was in pigtails. I was never the kind of girl who played dress up and had pretend weddings with her friends. That was not me. But what girl doesn’t want the perfect day? The dress, the shoes, the car. The whole shebang! I must say, my family has surprised me in the support I’ve received. Not to say that I didn’t think that they would but the overwhelming support, morally and financially, was amazing. Everywhere I looked, someone was doing something for me and that made me extremely emotional. If they only knew how much I appreciated it. I can only just say thank you to my Creator for blessing me with such a wonderful family and also, for my dad coming around and being there for me.

And through all MY drama, Zayn was beyond patient.

Anyway, the point is, on the 3rd of December 2016, I married my best friend!


To be honest, the days building up to my wedding day I was calm and collected. Stress-free. Relaxed. People kept asking me if I was crazy or panicking inside but really, I was totally zen.

The morning of my wedding, I got up, tidied my room and hopped in the shower. I thought that perhaps when I got into my dress and my make up was being done, I’d feel the excitement and nerves – still nothing. Then I was all ready, dressed, made up, scarf done and on my way to the mosque – still calm.

As we pulled up to the mosque, I saw all the women from all sides of my family, waiting to walk me inside and something inside of me snapped. All the calm left my body and I burst into tears. The sight of my family waiting for me brought it all home. I was getting married. The man I loved was waiting for me inside of that mosque, and soon, we would be husband and wife…

From there on out, it was a crazy and emotional day. In my next post I’ll add more pictures and details but for now, I just wanted to tell you all – have faith, know that ALLAH is great because only He could make this day possible. So now, I am married.


My husband and my dad though – too handsome for words!



In 2012, my family and I moved to a block of flats (in one of our many moves – we are like nomads). This is where I met Zayn.

You know, sometimes you come across someone who has the potential to change the entire course of your life but at that exact moment in time, neither of you are ready for it. This is exactly what happened to us. And then somehow he found his way back to me and this time, we were ready.

Back then we were both young and immature and to be very honest, I was kinda annoyed by him – and I tell him so all the time now. I was naive and the attention flattered me, and I thought he was full of himself and that maybe I was just another girl to him. So for a week or so, we enjoyed each others company until he suddenly broke away. I had no idea then what it was about but I just moved along as though nothing happened.

Then last year, a week after my 21st birthday, his mom messaged mine to congratulate her and wish me. She mentioned him in her messages which I found rather random although I knew that even back then she liked me and wanted us to be together. So that night my mom and I went to movies and as we’re waiting for the movie to start I get this Whatsapp notification  – “Salaam stranger, happy belated birthday. Sorry it’s now only but I didn’t have your number”. The reason I’ve quoted it as is, is because this message was a pivotal moment in my life whether I realized it then or not. His mom had given him my number and told him to wish me for my birthday. According to him, that was his only intention…mmm I’m sure it was!

We started texting and as most of you know, that’s one of the best parts of a budding relationship. The first thing you do when you wake up in the morning is check your phone because you just know there’ll be a cute “good morning” message and the conversation just never dies out. Its thrilling, even more so when its unexpected.


The more we chatted, the more we realized we were at the same point in our lives and that we wanted the same things. To settle down, get married. He has a four-year old son and I told him in the beginning already that I was okay with it. I love children and besides, I can’t judge him for the things he’s done in his past.

Anyway, the month of Ramadhan was approaching and we decided we would wait until after to actually meet up again. It was torturous but we endured it and survived.

So the 25th of July 2015, on a Saturday, he came over for the day. A novice cook, but eager to impress him, I made his favorite food: Butter Chicken Curry. And for a first attempt, it was delicious! Apparently, he was sold. He visited me every weekend after that. We clicked so easily. He was a totally different person to the one I knew back then and I was completely enamored.

Let me tell you, he is handsome as hell. He has these beautiful eyes, framed by the most unnecessarily long eyelashes, flawless eyebrows, the cutest nose, perfect full lips and of course, a beard. As if his ways wasn’t attractive enough??? I know he’ll be reading this so yes, I do think you’re the most handsome, cutest and sweetest ever. But that’s just my opinion.


So on the 18th of August, after a month of getting to know one another, we made it official. We were “dating”. This is not actually allowed in Islam but hey, nobody is perfect. Anyhow, after a few months of dating, he introduced me to his son. He is absolutely adorable and the spitting image of his dad. Its taken him a while to get used to me but he seems to be warming up to me. We have some issues with the mother but I knew it would come to that and was always prepared to deal with it.

I have never experienced a relationship like this EVER. Where we are so accepting of one another and we deal with things together – even the arguments (and yes there are quite a few) don’t FEEL like arguments. If you could see the way we were with each other you would think we’ve been married for years. The ease in which we communicate, the affection and the way we care about one another. It’s as if we’ve straightened out all the kinks before we’ve even begun. God willing, it will ALWAYS be this way and perhaps increase. I feel so blessed to have someone who truly understands me and knows me better than I know myself. Someone who helps me deal with my struggles, who encourages me to better myself, to look after myself and someone who sometimes takes care of it all for me. I honestly can’t see myself with anyone else and I know that I will always feel this way about him.

This is what a relationship should be like. I hope and pray that God will keep us this way always and that the love and respect we have for one another will only grow as we do.